I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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