great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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