so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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