I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
