i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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