ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
