dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
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your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
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We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
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