I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
