Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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