barbara walters just said penis...
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Randomize
