I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
