my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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