His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Randomize
