I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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