Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Randomize
