i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
Randomize
