I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
