I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
How's work?
Spinning.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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