I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
