why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I need moral support for this bender
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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