guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
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