Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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