What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
