I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
