3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
