Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
