If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
