i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
