I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Randomize
