if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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