Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
