bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
