I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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