tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
