I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
