when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
