I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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