The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Randomize
