my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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