Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
