I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
