I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
