You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
