I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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