No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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