FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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