There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
Randomize
