we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Send us your Text From Last Night!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
My pussy is not your playground.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
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