You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
