I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
