textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
