I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
