I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
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