I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
