So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
