Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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