Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Randomize
