I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
