Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
