Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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