His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
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Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
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The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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