So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
No...this little piggys going to the bar
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
