Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
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